Conditional Worth
Today’s Question: I've done everything right. Why doesn't my life feel like enough, or like I'm enough?
Surface: When will things get better?
Middle: Why hasn't all my effort paid off?
Core: Is my worth conditional on how my life turns out?
When I first read this question online, I thought that it was something I could answer simply, that I had enough experience from my past. However, today was a tricky day, and I realized it’s an ongoing question for me. I think it’s a central human question.
I recently started a new career teaching math. And let me tell you, it’s intense. Managing a classroom, building lessons that kids actually want to participate in, teaching them how to talk to each other, recovering from the day, reflecting and planning next steps…the list goes on. Sometimes life gives us a massive challenge.
In being new at something, so totally inept at what I’m doing, it is natural to feel like I’m not good enough. I’m not getting the results I want, I’m trying, and then my hope starts to dwindle. What’s the point?
It’s interesting though, to think of areas of my life where I’ve gone through similar cycles. There are many. I learned how to produce music, how to code software, how to actually listen and talk to people and so on. In each of those, I started out as a beginner. It was rough for a long time, and things didn’t seem like they were improving. Then, without much fanfare or announcement, I stopped thinking about them. They became natural, easy. So at least intellectually, I know that even though this is a new challenge or area, I can achieve it too. I can be a good teacher.
I learned that when I’m facing a big challenge or some sort of discomfort, I need to accept it first. Accept how hard it feels, how unhappy and frustrated I feel. Not out of despair, but out of surrender. Whenever there is pain in the body or mind, that is one thing. When I say “this should be like this, or like that” I add pressure to it. The pain doesn’t really change, just gets more stuff on top of it.
When I can fully feel the sensation, however messy and uncomfortable it may be, something strange happens. I can build a foundation. I am here. This is where my body is. This is where I am. It turns whatever I’m feeling into a sort of partner. It opens the door to real learning. Lasting learning. Because whatever I do from that point on won’t be a quick fix, a shortcut or distraction from that feeling.
When I started making music I didn’t really know what I was doing. I just liked certain sounds and ideas. I’d listen to a part of the song and think “this could use another instrument” and then I’d listen with it and think “this is great”. Then I’d keep listening over and over and find some hidden space where another instrument fit in. Listening to it for hours and thinking it was the greatest thing in the world. Then I’d go to sleep, wake up and be so excited to hear my song only to find it was a cacophony of flutes, synths, drums and saxaphones flying into my ears.
What I learned over time in music is to strip away everything that isn’t essential. To have conviction in the ideas that stay. Music is an expression of feeling. When we find the simplest way to express it, it is a kindness, a distillation of that essence.
In the same way, when we feel discomfort, rather than adding all kinds of flutes and saxophones that try to make it more interesting, listen to the core feeling. Find the beauty within it. What it is saying. And build from there.
If my worth was dependent on results then I’d be worthy every June and worthless by August. I’m a beginner at some things and skilled at others, but none of that changes my worth.. That comes from me just being here. Me being with whatever is there. That’s the part that stays when everything else is stripped away
What is your experience with self worth in the face of challenges? What has helped you overcome self doubt in difficult moments?
